Dholakpur Is a Completely Dysfunctional Kingdom and Nobody Talks About It

I was thinking about Chhota Bheem recently.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized:

Dholakpur is completely fucked.

This entire kingdom is basically being held together by one shirtless little kid whose primary source of energy is ladoos.

There is a king.

There is an army.

There are ministers.

There are guards.

Presumably there is some kind of government.

And yet every time ANYTHING happens, everyone is basically like:

FIND BHEEM.

Bro 😭

What exactly is King Indraverma doing???

Let's start with Bheem's ladoo consumption

This kid's diet needs to be studied.

Bheem eats ladoos like they're protein bars.

Tired?

Ladoo.

About to fight someone?

Ladoo.

Just finished fighting someone?

Another ladoo.

Random Tuesday afternoon?

Fuck it, ladoo.

And not one small ladoo either.

Sometimes this guy is putting away an entire plate.

Then immediately:

+500 strength

Apparently Dholakpur discovered the world's first performance-enhancing carbohydrate.

Meanwhile I'm eating protein and thinking about calories like an idiot.

Bheem just eats six ladoos and starts throwing grown men into trees.

How does this kid not have diabetes?

Seriously.

Someone check his HbA1c.

This cannot be normal.

A ladoo is basically some combination of flour, sugar, ghee and pure happiness.

Bheem eats them constantly.

And somehow this kid is:

Lean.

Strong.

Fast.

Athletic.

Never tired.

No visible body fat problem.

No insulin resistance.

Nothing.

Forget defeating villains.

Bheem's pancreas is the strongest character in the entire show.

Scientists shouldn't be studying longevity genes.

Study this mf.

There is clearly something happening in Dholakpur that modern medicine hasn't discovered yet.

And Tun Tun Mausi is basically his drug dealer

Nobody talks about this either.

Every time Bheem needs his performance-enhancing ladoos, who's supplying them?

Tun Tun Mausi.

Bheem is losing a fight?

Quick.

Someone get Tun Tun Mausi's ladoos.

Bheem eats one.

Suddenly the villain who was beating his ass 30 seconds ago gets launched into another district.

How is this legal?

Imagine this happening in professional sports.

Athlete starts losing.

Coach runs onto the field.

"Here, eat this mysterious round object made by a lady in our village."

Athlete immediately becomes three times stronger.

Yeah.

We're testing that ladoo.

WADA would have Tun Tun Mausi's kitchen surrounded by morning.

But the REAL problem is King Indraverma

This guy runs an entire kingdom.

And somehow his national security policy is:

Bheem will handle it.

Bandits attack?

Call Bheem.

Monster?

Call Bheem.

Foreign kingdom causing problems?

Bheem.

Someone kidnapped the princess?

Obviously Bheem.

Some random magical demon appeared?

Where is Bheem???

BRO.

YOU HAVE AN ARMY.

What are these soldiers doing all day?

Dholakpur presumably collects taxes.

Where is the money going?

Because it certainly isn't going toward national defense.

Imagine being a soldier in Dholakpur

This must be the easiest government job ever.

Wake up.

Put on armor.

Stand beside gate.

Villain appears.

Get absolutely destroyed.

Wait for 10-year-old.

Bheem arrives.

Bheem eats ladoo.

Villain defeated.

Go home.

Salary credited.

Repeat next month.

These guys have incredible job security for people who have successfully defended the kingdom approximately zero times.

Why is a CHILD responsible for national security???

This is the part that gets crazier the more you think about it.

Bheem is a kid.

He should be in school.

Learning maths.

Playing cricket.

Doing homework.

Getting yelled at because he forgot his notebook.

Instead he's basically:

Chief of Defence Staff.

RAW.

Army Special Forces.

Disaster Response Force.

Diplomatic envoy.

Police commissioner.

And occasionally pest control.

All unpaid, apparently.

Child labour laws simply do not exist in Dholakpur.

King Indraverma sees a literal child repeatedly risking his life for the kingdom and goes:

"Excellent work Bheem 👍 See you next invasion."

GIVE THE KID A SALARY AT LEAST.

And where are Bheem's parents???

Actually.

Where are they?

Your son leaves home in the morning and comes back like:

"Hey mom, today I fought a 9-foot demon, stopped an invading army and almost died falling off a mountain."

And she's like:

"Okay beta, dinner is ready."

???

If I disappeared for three days because the king sent me on a military operation at age 10, I think my parents would have SOME questions.

Apparently Dholakpur parenting is extremely hands-off.

Princess Indumati gets kidnapped WAY too often

At some point this becomes a security failure.

Once?

Okay.

Things happen.

Twice?

Improve palace security.

Third time?

Maybe investigate what's going wrong.

But Dholakpur's strategy seems to be:

Princess gets kidnapped.

King:

BHEEEEEEM 😭

Bheem sighs.

Eats ladoo.

Walks across three forests.

Fights 40 people.

Brings Indumati back.

Everyone celebrates.

Next week:

She's kidnapped again.

At this point Bheem should start charging rescue fees.

Kalia must be suffering psychologically

Now let's talk about Kalia.

Imagine being this guy.

You're probably one of the strongest normal kids in the village.

You've got Dholu and Bholu following you around.

You're trying to establish yourself.

Then there's fucking Bheem.

You train?

Doesn't matter.

Bheem eats ladoo.

You make a plan?

Bheem.

You compete?

Bheem.

You try to impress people?

Bheem.

Princess Indumati?

Bheem.

King's respect?

Bheem.

Village needs saving?

Bheem.

Imagine living your entire childhood next to someone with protagonist genetics.

I'd be a hater too.

Kalia isn't the villain.

Kalia is us.

Dholu and Bholu need independent thought immediately

These two need help.

Kalia could say:

"Guys, let's jump off this cliff."

And Dholu and Bholu would probably go:

"Great idea Kalia bhai!"

Do these two have separate personalities?

Separate opinions?

Separate bank accounts?

I've never seen two human beings more committed to being NPCs.

Please develop some independent thought.

Read a book.

Spend a weekend away from Kalia.

Discover yourselves.

Raju is literally carrying a bow around

Also why does this tiny child have a weapon?

Everyone just accepts this.

Raju is walking around Dholakpur with a bow and arrows like he's commuting to an office.

No license.

No adult supervision.

Nothing.

Meanwhile he's approximately the size of a large backpack.

Dholakpur has simultaneously:

Zero effective police.

Zero child protection.

And extremely relaxed weapons regulations.

Amazing kingdom.

Jaggu might actually be the most scientifically important thing in Dholakpur

There's a TALKING MONKEY.

Everyone:

Yeah that's Jaggu.

BRO.

THE MONKEY IS SPEAKING.

Forget Bheem.

Forget ladoos.

Forget the kingdom.

Scientists should be arriving from every country on Earth.

Jaggu demonstrates human-level language comprehension.

He understands complex plans.

He communicates with humans.

He appears to reason.

This would completely transform our understanding of cognition, evolution and animal intelligence.

Dholakpur's reaction:

"haha funny monkey"

Nobody cares.

Where is Dholakpur's economy?

What does this kingdom export?

What industries exist?

Where are the factories?

What's the tax base?

Everyone seems to spend the entire day walking around eating snacks and waiting for something terrible to happen.

There are merchants.

Farmers.

Palace employees.

Tun Tun Mausi apparently controls a significant percentage of the local ladoo economy.

But beyond that?

No idea.

Maybe Dholakpur's GDP is literally:

Agriculture: 30%

Trade: 20%

Ladoos: 49%

Everything else: 1%

Honestly, Tun Tun Mausi might be the richest private citizen in the kingdom.

And why hasn't another kingdom simply invaded permanently?

Every neighboring ruler should know Dholakpur's weakness by now.

There is literally one guy you need to neutralize.

Not the army.

Not the king.

Bheem.

Step 1: Wait until Bheem leaves Dholakpur.

Step 2: Destroy Tun Tun Mausi's ladoo supply.

Step 3: Invade.

Game over.

Dholakpur's entire defense strategy has a single point of failure.

I've seen badly designed backend systems with better redundancy.

At least deploy two Bheems.

Bheem himself is basically running production

Actually, Dholakpur is just a badly designed software system.

Bheem is the one server handling every request.

No load balancer.

No redundancy.

No backup.

No failover.

Every service depends on him.

kingdom.save()?

Bheem.

princess.rescue()?

Bheem.

villain.defeat()?

Bheem.

wildAnimal.handle()?

Bheem.

And Tun Tun Mausi is basically Redis.

Bheem's performance gets low?

Fetch ladoo from cache.

Back to full speed.

This architecture would never pass system design.

The king should have been removed YEARS ago

I'm sorry.

Indraverma seems like a nice guy.

Good father.

Nice moustache.

Probably fun at parties.

But as a king?

What are we doing here?

Your kingdom gets attacked every other week.

Your daughter has approximately a 40% annual kidnapping probability.

Your army cannot stop anything.

Your disaster response plan is one child.

Wild animals regularly enter populated areas.

Magic-related incidents are apparently routine.

And after every crisis, the king goes:

"Bheem, Dholakpur is proud of you."

NO.

Dholakpur should be embarrassed.

You are outsourcing governance to a minor.

And somehow nobody questions the monarchy

Maybe THIS is Dholakpur's biggest problem.

Why is Indraverma still king?

Because his father was king?

We're trusting national leadership to genetics now?

At minimum hold an election.

Manifesto 1:

Indraverma: I will continue relying on Bheem.

Manifesto 2:

Tun Tun Mausi: Universal ladoo distribution.

I'm voting Tun Tun Mausi.

She already controls the kingdom's most strategically important resource.

Honestly, Bheem should just take over Dholakpur

At this point why not?

He already handles:

Defense.

Internal security.

Foreign threats.

Royal family protection.

Disaster management.

Monster management.

Diplomatic incidents.

Wildlife.

Crime.

He's basically doing the job already.

Indraverma is ceremonial.

Just make Bheem king.

Actually no.

He's still a child.

LET HIM GO TO SCHOOL.

Hire competent adults.

Build an actual military.

Train the guards.

Protect the princess.

Develop some institutions.

Diversify the economy.

And somebody PLEASE study the ladoos.

The more I think about Chhota Bheem, the funnier it gets

As a kid none of this bothered me.

Bheem eats ladoo.

Bheem gets strong.

Bheem beats villain.

Everyone celebrates.

Perfect.

Now I watch the same premise and I'm thinking:

Why is the government this incompetent?

Who's funding these operations?

Why is child labour normalized?

What's Bheem's blood glucose?

Why does Jaggu speak?

Why does nobody care that Jaggu speaks?

Why hasn't Kalia gone to therapy?

Why are Dholu and Bholu like this?

Why is Tun Tun Mausi apparently manufacturing the most powerful performance-enhancing substance known to humanity?

And WHY does the king still have a job?

Maybe growing up is just slowly losing the ability to watch cartoons without thinking about their institutional failures.

Anyway.

Someone get Bheem a continuous glucose monitor.

I need answers.